A moment of weakness
by AmyJ10
Summary: A moment of weakness can cause a lifetime of pain... E/O
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** A moment of weakness

**Summary:** A moment of weakness can lead to a lifetime of regret.

**Okay! So I finished consequences, yay!! This came to me while I was writing the last chapter - this is only 2 parts, I'm going to finish Faultless hopefully this week and then really get stuck into orginial sin, thanks to Jessica R who allowed me to bounce idea's off of her.**

She didn't do this.

Usually after a difficult day, a day of fighting with her partner she would go home, drink a glass of wine or five and sulk. She would constantly think about every word that had viciously come out of her partners mouth as they verbally ripped each other to shreds, wondering if everything he said was true. She would usually sit alone, breaking down every insult from the most important person in her life before eventually slipping into a restless sleep.

Today had been one of the worst fights, he'd thrown her childhood and lack of children in her face while she threw his marriage and failures as a father in his, Fin had been forced to step between them when they got so close it looked like things were about to get physical. Of course both she and Elliot knew it never would, words would do much more damage and already had.

Olivia Benson usually sat alone, dissecting every comment, every grunt, every word she didn't head to the nearest bar because she didn't have any wine at home, she didn't get drunk alone wondering if she would catch the perp that had been terrorising women for months, driving her and her colleague mad, eventually causing them to turn on each other, something they often did when a case was looking like it wasn't going to be solved, when it looked like no matter how hard they tried they weren't going to find the son of a bitch.

She didn't smile when a handsome stranger sat next to her, telling her she looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders and she certainly didn't accept drinks from the said stranger and blush when he told her that she was beautiful. She didn't feel a flutter in her stomach when someone gently ran their hand along her cheek, and she didn't carry on drinking when she knew she had already had too much.

She didn't giggle – ever. She didn't do shots with charming strangers whose name just wouldn't come to her no matter how hard she stared at him and she didn't allow alcohol to cloud her judgement. His sandy hair and hazel eyes overwhelmed her for just a moment, she shook her head, the alcohol clouding her judgement. Olivia Benson did not swoon.

Olivia Benson didn't do any of these things and yet as she ran her hands through the handsome strangers hair as he bit her lip, roughly pushing her against the door to his apartment she simply didn't care. She didn't want to be the Olivia Benson who sat alone, pining for a man she could never have, someone who used her as an emotional punch bag, someone that she could no longer face knowing what he really thought of her.

"You wanna tell me what the hell your problem is?" Elliot marched angrily into the locker room, stopping as he saw her in the process of unbuttoning her shirt.

"Do you mind?" she didn't even raise her eyes to look at him.

"She's lying."

"You think she's lying," she looked up, finally ready to meet his gaze, surprised to see him embarrassedly looking away from her. She frowned.

Shit.

He hadn't meant to stare at her chest, he'd caught the tiniest bit of cleavage just as she met his gaze. Strangely this only angered him more.

Only two minutes later after trying to talk calmly he threw the sucker punch.

"You don't get it do you, she's not you Olivia she's not some kid no one loves, she's not the product of rape and her mother isn't a raging drunk."

Her bottom lip trembled. She's not some kid no one loves?

"This kid is a brat who had sex and got caught out I can see it and if you weren't so blinded by your screwed up childhood you'd be able to see it. Jesus you don't even have kids, it's not as if you have anything else to go on? Christ Liv-"

"Don't throw the fact that I don't have children in my face you son of a bitch. I may not have children, the amount of times you see your kids you may as well not have any either."

"What did you say?" he tensed his jaw and clenched his fist, shocked by her words.

"You come in here with this crap, you tell me I'm blinded by my childhood? You're blinded by your children so screw you Elliot-"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"

It only got worse from there.

She was shaken from her thoughts as the handsome stranger sank his teeth into her neck, she moaned aloud, shocked by the sound that ripped from her body. She couldn't remember how they agreed to leave together or who jumped who first buts he didn't care, she'd mercilessly kissed the tall sandy haired man who'd charmed his way into her thoughts. The cab ride home had been unbearable, she wanted him in her, there and then, he'd kissed her neck and ran his hand along her breast only stopping when the cab stopped outside his apartment.

Finally, he pushed open the door and pinned her against the wall of his living room, kicking the door shut as he quickly pushed her jacket off of her shoulders as she placed her hands on the sides of his face, plunging her tongue into his mouth, yet again moaning into his mouth as his hand grazed her erect nipple. Before she knew it she was unbuttoning his shirt , he was magnificent, so toned, so strong...her mind drifted as she wondered if this was what her partner's body looked like. She closed her eyes, immediately opening them again as an image of Elliot flashed through her mind, he wasn't going to ruin this, oh no, tonight would not be about him. Her head was swimming, the last three shots of whiskey were a bad idea, she shook the thoughts from her head, to hell with moping at home, she was going to enjoy herself, she deserved it.

She ran her hands along the toned torso in front of her only stopping when she got him to his belt buckle, pausing for a moment as he wrapped his hand around her throat, pulling her closer as he bit her bottom lip, smiling as she unzipped his trousers and pulled them down, taking his manhood into her hand, wishing the boxers he was wearing were gone, it was going to slowly for her liking.

He unbuttoned her shirt, revealing her lace bra and heaving chest. Almost moments later her trousers were being kicked off as he flicked his tongue over her nipple.

Oh no, Olivia Benson didn't do this, as she was lifted slowly and wrapped her legs around the handsome stranger, her back firmly against the wall, chest to chest with the man who's name she just couldn't grasp, she began to wonder if she had lost her mind, however as he slowly entered her she pushed the thoughts of her sanity, or lack of it, to the back of her mind and prayed that for just an hour she could keep Elliot where he belonged, out of her head.

**

She looked in the mirror, her head thumping as she struggled to cover the bags under her eyes. She'd woken up naked, sprawled across the stranger who she had met only hours before. She'd quietly walked around his apartment looking for every disguarded piece of clothing, praying that he wouldn't wake up, she didn't need the awkward morning after crap so she made her drunken way back home, struggling to remember exactly what had happened the night before. She couldn't even remember his name...did she even know it in the first place?

Now after a couple hours sleep and four cups of coffee she was just about starting to feel human again...nearly. She sighed as she moved her hand to her neck, the harsh purple bruise made her stomach turn. She'd always hated hickys but of course at the time she hadn't thought about it, she hadn't had sex for nearly 8 months, she more than made up for it last night, she hadn't realised quite how rough it had been until she got out of the shower and saw the numerous bruises.

She could try to deny it but as she fought against the man's every move she couldn't help but use her anger for Elliot, they fought for control with every kiss, every touch, every thrust and as it got more and more aggressively they fought for control the more she thought about Elliot, it felt wrong but she couldn't help it.

**

Two hours later, polo neck on and coffee in hand she sat going through the files, desperately trying to find any link between the rape victims. The rapist was clever, he would attack from behind and never make a sound, the victims had no description and no way of telling him apart from any other man in the street. He attacked in daylight, the brazen bastard, and he was getting a way scot free, ready to rape again at anytime.

She looked up as Elliot shifted in his seat, they hadn't said a word to each other all morning something her thumping head silently thanked him for. She had felt unbelievably hung over since waking up and she couldn't shake the nausea in her stomach...damn whiskey. She wondered if she should be ashamed that she had allowed herself to be picked up in a bar by a man who's name she couldn't even remember, she sighed and decided that she couldn't change it so there was no point regretting it, after all, he gave her what she'd needed, what she had been aching for during the long lonely nights.

"Stabler."

She blushed as Elliot answered his cell, knowing that she had climaxed at least once last night whilst imagining it was his body on top of her, inside of her, rather than the man who she had so carelessly allowed to mark her the night before.

"Son of a bitch...they've got him," he ended the call and stood up walking towards Cragen's office leaving her to assume he meant the rapist who had been driving them crazy and terrorising the women if Manhattan.

**

"Munch and Fin are bringing him in now, they caught him in the act after a report of a suspicious male loitering near the female toilets in the park," Cragen announced, "the bastard was this close to raping again, the girls screams alerted Fin and Munch and they got him. His name is Robert May and he's on his way in."

Olivia sighed a breath of relief, she could finally start sleeping again, she and Elliot could ignore each other for a little longer before the next case forced them together again and things would get back to normal. A little voice inside asked if she had arrested this Robert May before as the name seemed familiar.

She looked up as she heard the Fin's voice,

"...You were caught in the act buddy, you're going away for a long time."

She saw Munch first as he walked in, he gave her a quick smile and she knew exactly what that smile meant, they'd got the bastard. She was in the middle of returning his smile when Fin dragged the perp into the room and her world simply crashed around her. His sandy hair was sprawled across his forehead and his hazel eyes immediately locked with hers.

Her heart stopped and she struggled to steady herself as she stepped backwards, physically shaken by the sight before her as a sick twisted smile appeared on the perps lips as he spotted her, he looked like a young child on Christmas morning.

"Olivia," he grinned.

She stood still, trying to remember to breathe as the perp was pulled towards the interview room before slowly turning and quickly running towards the toilet, emptying the contents of her stomach, dropping to her knees, clinging to the toilet as she struggled to compose herself, tears filling her eyes as dread completely consumed her. After hours of struggling to remember her lover form the night before she finally remembered his introduction...

"Hi, I'm Robert..."


	2. Chapter 2

Robert May.

Robert May was the perp that Olivia and Elliot had been chasing. The perp who had already raped 11 women in just 6 weeks, the perp who had left one women so traumatised that she wouldn't leave her house after dark and left another so frightened she refused to go out at all. This man who had attacked women in broad day light casually and unashamedly, he was vile, he was callous and he was a predator.

He was also the man who had roughly thrown her against the wall and taken her there and then. The man who after just a few minutes was ready for round 2 and 3 which ended in his large bed, limbs tangled, bodies heaving, as he'd pulled her across his chest and wrapped his arms around her as she'd slowly closed her eyes, waiting for the room to stop spinning.  
The hurt she was expecting was nothing like this, she expected physical discomfort. The heavy, overwhelming pain in her chest was not something she had expected but as she sat on the toilet floor just moments after being violently sick she could barely breathe. Her hands were shaking, her head was throbbing and the nausea was almost unbearable. What had she done?

**

Fin walked towards Elliot with a frown on his face.

"Caved already?" Elliot smirked.

"Uh, no he's waiting for his lawyer...where's Liv?" he asked looking around, seeing only an empty desk.

"I don't know why, you wanna get her in there? See if he reacts to her?" Elliot asked, thinking it was quite a good idea.

"He uh, he already knows her."

"What?"

"He asked for her by name...there's something not right, her face when she saw him..." Fin couldn't shake the worry in the pit of his stomach. He was about to ask where Olivia was so that he could go and talk to her but didn't get the chance as Elliot stalked towards the locker room.

**

She leant against the locker, stood only in her bra as she struggled to find a new top, one that didn't have reek of vomit. With a shaking hand she reached for the spare lilac shirt, the nausea still placed present. She slowly slid the shirt over her bruised body, she couldn't place the exact times that she had received the bruises but she remembered being slammed against the wall, against the head board, the floor....

She was shaken from her thoughts by the door bursting open, she pulled her shirt to cover herself.

"Elliot, what the hell-"

"How do you know May?" he asked, frowning as he noticed her pale skin, the bags under her eyes almost impossible to miss.

She simply stared at him, knowing full well that despite the fact that she was half naked he wasn't going anywhere. How the hell was she supposed to explain this to him, to anyone. She shuddered as she struggled to think of what they would say, still overwhelmed by her own self .

"Can I...Can i get changed?" she hadn't meant to sound so vulnerable as she cowered away from his view as her unbuttoned shirt made her feel more and more uncomfortable. She needed a shower.

Something didn't add up. She wasn't yelling at him for walking in on her, she wasn't telling him to go screw himself. He nodded slowly and turned to leave when he saw it, the large bite mark on the side of her neck,

"What the hell..." he strode towards her, ignoring her looks of confusion. "What happened?" he asked, still sounding angry. It was only when he was closer to her that he saw the other bruises along her chest and neck, as if she'd been grabbed by the throat. His eyes shot up, and he almost couldn't breathe as his gaze met hers. She looked frightened, her eyes were wide and she could no longer hold his gaze, she backed away wrapping her arms around herself.

"Get out Elliot," she barely whispered.

"Liv," he started. Had someone hurt her, May...May knew her...had he hurt her. His heart began to beat at twice its usual pace. He stretched his hand out, blindly reaching for her as he gently ran his hand along the column of her throat, hovering over the bite mark which was surrounded by a harsh purple bruise.

"Stop it," she whispered, pulling away from his grasp until she was against the locker. Her chest heaving from such close contact.

"Liv, what happened?" The anger and resentment was gone.

"I..." she closed her eyes briefly before realising that she wasn't ready to tell him, she would sooner tell Cragen. "Get out Elliot," her words were short, sharp and harsh. She pushed past him, buttoning up her top with her back to him and closing her locker. She walked out as quickly as she could praying that he wasn't behind her.

**

Fin watched as Richard May sat before him, grinning like he had just won the lottery.

"You're looking mighty happy for someone who's going to jail," Munch had noticed too.

"Is uh, is Olivia going to be joining us?" May asked through the grin.

"Nope, just us, aren't you lucky," Fin spoke monotonously.

May shifted in his seat, he looked at his watch and then returned his gaze to the officers.

"Any idea when my lawyer will be getting here?" he asked in a pleasant tone.

"He's on the way, how about you tell us-"

"Ah, ah, ah, not until my lawyer gets here."

"How about you tell us how you know Detective Benson?" Munch asked, obviously as concerned as Fin had been about May's apparent knowledge of their colleague.

He simply looked up at them and smiled.

**

Olivia sat at her desk, she knew that Captain Cragen was out for the day, she wanted nothing more than to go home and have a shower. She felt vile, every time she closed her eyes she had visions of the night before, his hands on her, his lips...she felt dirty. How could she have been so stupid, so drunk. She could always spot a rapist, she should have realised, the way he needed control of her, the way he dominated her...there is a fine line between domination for pleasure and domination for power and she knew that rapists usually take the latter, that's what May did but she was so drunk...she was so drunk she just didn't care.

Millions of thoughts were running through her mind as she sat at her desk with her head in her hands. How could she have missed the signs? How could she have been so stupid.

"We need to talk."

She was shaken from her thoughts by Fin's soft voice. Her heart dropped and she knew that he knew. She silently got up and walked into Cragen's office.

"Is it true?" he asked, not even bothering to give her any other information.

"I...I got drunk-"

"Jeez Liv," Fin raised his hands to his head. "Did he know you were a cop?"

She struggled to remember if she had told him or not.

"I don't think so...I don't remember, what did he say?" she asked, dread building up in the pit of her stomach.

"He said enough, he's going to be singing like a bird when his lawyer gets here, anything he can do to un-nerve us," he sighed, leaning back until he was perched on the side of Cragen's desk.

She slowly raised her hand to her head, wondering exactly how bad the fallout was going to be. It wouldn't affect the case, that was the only good thing, but her judgement and her actions would be questioned. An SVU cop sleeping with a serial rapist.

"What do I do?" she asked, not once worrying about sounding weak and pathetic, she need help, she needed a way out of the mess that she had gotten herself into.

"I don't know...you need to talk to Cragen, just to let him know – maybe go home, you don't need to be here while he's here," he watched as she nodded and but her lip nervously. "You didn't know who he was, it's not like he was a suspect and you did this-"

"I should have known..." she trailed off. How could she not have known...the whiskey can't have affected her...of course it did, she'd practically drank a whole bottle.

"There's nothing you can do right now – did he do that?" he pointed to the purple bruise on her shoulder, watching as she closed her eyes and nodded. "And those?"

"Fin..." she shook her head, "I don't...I don't do that..I don't," she struggled to get her words out.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

**

He wanted answers. He wanted answers and he wanted them now. He angrily walked into the interview room.

"Detective Stabler?" Munch started, obviously annoyed at having been interrupted.

"I'm going to sit in on this one."

"Uh...you know what I've got it-" he had no idea if Elliot knew what May was saying about Olivia and he sure as hell didn't want to be there when he found out.

"How do you know Detective Benson?" his blood was boiling, the thought that the piece of crap in front of him could have hurt her was nearly killing him. Why hadn't she talked to him, he should have known when he'd seen her in the morning that something was wrong...

"I was just telling your colleagues about that, do I have to start again?" May laughed causing Elliot to nearly lose it completely. "I met her last night in a bar,"

"What bar?" Elliot spoke through gritted teeth.

"O'Malleys, we had a few drinks together, very nice woman, beautiful too," he smirked, "I was fascinated by her from the moment I set eyes on her, she said she'd had a bad day, something about someone she worked with..."

"Then what?"

"Then we drank half the bar and went back to mine, that okay with you?" he cocked his head to the side.

Elliot's heart stopped.

"You know I have to tell you, that woman, she's insatiable –" before he could even finish his sentence he was thrown against the wall. This did nothing to shut him up, "I knew when I met her that she would be a live wire in bed and I couldn't have been more right-"

"You shut your mouth!" Elliot couldn't contain the anger in his voice as his hand suddenly found themselves around May's throat.

"Stop it!" Munch struggled to pull him away before he killed him.

Elliot let go of the man, pushing him back into his chair.

"You're lying."

"Ask her, she was wearing a brown leather jacket, a pair of jeans, a lovely blue shirt that just hugged all the right places...a black lace bra-"

"You want me to hurt you?" Elliot was so close to him he could almost hear his heart beating, or maybe it was his? He couldn't believe what he was being told.

"You're saying you and Detective Benson had consensual sex?" Munch interrupted for fear that Elliot was about to commit murder.

"That's right, lots of it."

Elliot wanted to wipe the smug smile off of May's face. He was lying he had to be, there was no way that Olivia would do anything with this creep.

"She has a tiny little scar on her neck, looks like a knife wound to me."

That sealed the deal. He had obviously been close to her, Elliot needed to find out exactly what had happened.

"She'll tell you herself Detective, I'm sure she's got a few nice war wounds...I know I have," he pushed his shirt aside to reveal a bit ark similar to the one he had seen on Olivia, "I told you she was insatiable."

He'd had enough, he was on his way to walking towards the door when May spoke again.

"Just out of curiosity, either one of you Elliot?" he spoke slowly, watching as both Detectives turned to him.

"Why?" Munch asked slowly, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"When she came..."

The words made Elliot want to punch him already.

"She thought I didn't hear it, I could see it shocked her but I sure as hell heard it...Elliot."

His eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat as he listened to the words from the bastards mouth. He needed to get out of there, he needed to hit something – he needed to see her.

**

Fin was about to enter theinterview room as Elliot stormed out.

"Where is she?" he didn't specify, he didn't need to.

"She's gone home- this isn't her fault okay so don't-"

"Did he rape her?" Elliot stopped in front of him, his eyes wide and desperate.

"No."

"It was consensual, you're sure?"

"She confirmed it Elliot, she's not lying. Where are you going?" Fin asked as Elliot walked away, he sighed knowing exactly where he was going and prayed that he would go easy on his friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for the amazing reviews so far! You guys are the best!!! I've really enjoyed writing this so far...**

Olivia had been sick exactly three times since arriving home, the reality of her situation hitting her as soon as she stepped through the door. Now as the water ran over every inch of her body as she scrubbed her already red raw skin, desperately trying to get the feel of May off of her skin. Every time she closed her eyes she would see him, on her, in her and it made her feel physically sick. She had no idea how long she'd been in the shower, leaning on the wall so that she didn't crumble.

She was shaken from her thoughts by a loud hammering on her front door.

Shit.

**

He still couldn't think straight, he'd been trying to stop his heart from beating at twice its usual speed but every time he thought about her with that...bastard he couldn't stop his blood from boiling but it wasn't that that had confused him the most. She'd called his name? She'd...moaned his name during sex...what did that mean?

"Okay!" his heart stopped as he heard her aggravated yell. He froze in the spot as she pulled open the door, still dripping wet from the shower she'd been forced out of by his nonstop banging on the door. She was wrapped in a white towel and looked completely defeated. She sighed softly before turning away from him and walking into her apartment, leaving the door wide open.

He swallowed the lump in his throat as he slowly walked in, watching as she stood before him with just a towel, single drops of water travelling slowly from her hair...along her neck...her chest. He shook his head, the bruises still violently obvious. He simply stared at her as she stood in front of him, arms crossed looking more uncomfortable than he had ever seen her.

He didn't know what to say. He thought turning up and demanding an explanation was the way to go but now as she stood there unable to hold his gaze he couldn't speak.

"Can this wait Elliot?" she asked, shivering as the cool air hit her wet body.

"I..." he shook his head, silence descended upon them again. Moments passed as they both stared at anything but each other before she finally spoke.

"If you're just going to stand there at least let me get dressed," she didn't give him a chance to answer as she walked into her bedroom, leaving him alone wondering exactly what he was going to say.

**

She walked out just moments later with some sweat pants and a large oversized sweater on, surprised o find him in exactly the same spot. She sighed, wondering if they were going to do this all night.

"You slept with him?" he spoke slowly, waiting for her to tell him it was all a big mistake.

"Is this the part where you yell at me because I don't need it-"

"Did he...did he rape you-"

"No," she brought her hand to her head, "No Elliot...don't...don't think that," she knew that he would have been torturing himself at the thought.

"How...how did it..." he took a deep breath, of course he hadn't wanted her to have been hurt but he needed to know what happened, "how did it happen? How did you not know-"

"Don't start Elliot-" she turned away from him, unable to face his accusations.

"How did it happen?!" he needed to know, how could she not understand

"I was drunk!" it sounded so feeble now, such a ridiculous excuse but it was the only one she had.

"Jesus how drunk were you? You...you what? You just met him in a club and went home with him-"

"This is nothing to do with you Elliot, you're not my dad and I don't have to answer to you, I know that I made a mis-"

"Was he buying you drinks?"

"What?" she looked up at him, meeting his gaze for the first time. His eyes wide with anger and...something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"He...he bought you drinks, he could've put something in them? Did you pass out? If he drugged you-"

"Elliot he didn't drug me-"

"Well you said you were drunk, how drunk, drunk enough not to be able to say no? Did you say no?" he needed her to tell him that it wasn't her, that she hadn't wanted it, that it was all him.

"God! Stop it Elliot! He didn't rape me he didn't force himself on me, I went with him willingly, i had sex with him willingly I knew what I was doing," as the words left her mouth she began to wonder if she really did. She had been so drunk that she could barely see straight at one point...there was a chance perhaps, that he had taken advantage...no, no she'd pulled at his clothes, she'd pushed him onto the bed, she'd done all of these things willingly because she wanted to, because she needed to.

"You wanted...you wanted to have sex with a guy you'd never met before?" he asked, disgust literally pouring from his voice.

She closed her eyes, unable to face him any longer. She knew that he was right, she was disgusted with herself, no wonder he was too.

"It was a mistake-" she whispered. How could he not see how defeated she was.

"A mistake is not doing your paperwork on time, forgetting to pick your kids up from school...sleeping with a rapist?! That's more than a mistake you-"

"You think I don't know?! You think I don't already know that Elliot!" she raised her voice for the first time. "I...I know," she sighed, knowing exactly what he was thinking. She should've known it would come to this, the one person in the world whose opinion mattered the most was stood before her unable to look at her, she could barely take it.

"So you...you didn't know who he was...but you knew that you didn't know him, you knew he was a stranger, you knew he was some sleaze trying to find an easy lay...and you were that easy lay."

The words hit her hard, she fought back the tears as she listened to him as he insulted her.

"What the hell were you thinking?" he barely whispered, this wasn't her, "You don't do that sort of thing-"

"How would you know what I do? This is none of your business-"

"None of my business! The guy you had sex with last night is at the station right now being charged with the rape of 11 women! What the hell does that say about you? A sex cop sleeping with a rapist!? How are you going to be able to look the victim-"

"Stop right there, I've done everything I could for them! I...this is nothing to do with you, I didn't know who he was! What I do in my spare time is none of your God Damned business! Now get out!" she walked over to the front door, pulling it open without any hesitation.

"Do what you want! Hey! See who you can pick up tonight! Paedophile? Murderer? I'm sure they'll be lining up around the corner when they hear how easy it was for May!" he angrily walked out, not even wincing as he heard the door slam behind him.

Who the hell did she think she was talking to? He was her partner, the person who was supposed to have her back. Maybe she didn't want to hear it, but the truth hurts and she needed to know how stupid she had been, what if May had hurt her, what if she'd backed out and he'd taken her anyway? Didn't she get it? He was just looking out for her.

Who the hell did he think he was, coming into her apartment acting like he'd never made a mistake in his life. She was so angry she could've hit him. She hated herself enough, she didn't need him to make her feel even worse, he was supposed to help her, to make her feel better, to be her partner, not rub her mistakes in her face. She knew she'd been stupid, she knew already and hearing him say it was the kick in the teeth that she just didn't need.

She sighed as she sat on her sofa, bringing her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself finally allowing the tears to fall.

**

She swallowed the lump in her throat as she listened to Cragen talk.

"...and you haven't done anything that will affect the case, I believe that you didn't know who he was, the only thing that's going to be questioned here is your judgement."

She nodded.

"I'm not saying this, but others might, a sex crimes detective sleeping with a rapist-"

"Who knows?" she asked quietly.

"May is trying to use this to help his case," as he spoke she looked up at him for the first time. "It's not going to work, but it may come up in court, they may want to question you...there is one last thing..." he admitted.

She looked up again, wondering what it is he wanted.

"He has so far refused to co operate with any of our requests, he's somehow managed to stop any physical evidence being taken..."

"Captain?"

"You can say no...one of the victims had a large bite mark on her shoulder...if we could match it to the mark on your neck-"

"Captain I-"

"Did you use protection?" he asked quickly, trying to get it over and done with.

She had never been more humiliated in her whole life. She closed her eyes and lowered her head.

"Uh, we..." she swallowed the lump in her throat again. "No," she couldn't bear to tell him the details. The first two times they had had sex they had used protection, the last time May had removed the condom and carried on, she hadn't even realised until she'd felt his release inside of her. She'd been more that a little annoyed the next morning when she thought about it but at the time her head was still spinning and she was reeling from his every touch.

"He left a trace of semen in another victim, if we can match-"

"I've showered, I've..." she couldn't do this, the nausea began to overwhelm her again. "I'm sorry," she held her hand up to her mouth and left as quickly as she could, praying that she would reach the toilet in time.

Cragen sighed, watching one of his finest Detective's face such an intense inner struggle was almost too much for him to bear. He looked up as Fin walked in,

"What happened?" Fin asked, "Look, I know that this isn't a great situation but she didn't do anything wrong, you can't suspend-"

"Fin, I haven't suspended her, I'm not going to, I'm going to support her through this. Maybe...you could go and check she's okay?" he asked softly, watching as Fin nodded and walked out of his office, wondering where the hell Elliot was.

**

She wiped her mouth for the second time, clinging to the toilet as she struggled to stop her limbs from shaking. She couldn't do this, she was utterly ashamed and humiliated and not by anyone else, by her own actions. She knew what Cragen wanted, he wanted to collect as much evidence from her as possible to link May to the other victims but she didn't know if she could do it.

"Liv."

She closed her eyes as she heard Fin's soft voice.

"Fin, it's the ladies' toilets," she rolled her eyes as her shaking voice made her sound so frail.

"I know, but you're the only one in here, open up."

"I'll see you outside," she closed her eyes, praying he would save her from further humiliation.

"Okay, I'll see you outside Liv," she heard his soft voice as he walked towards the door.

**

She'd had time to clean herself up and had thanked Fin for his concern, she'd also talked to Cragen and agreed to let Melinda take photos of her bruises and to try and get any other evidence that she could.

"Everyone makes mistakes Olivia," Melinda's soft voice was strangely reassuring, maybe she'd needed to talk to a woman all along.

"I'm a sex crimes Detective-"

"You were drunk, if it has been the coffee guy or the guy who works in an office no one would be thinking about this, it was just...bad luck," as Melinda spoke she took a small swab from the bite mark on Olivia's neck. "Does this hurt?"

"No," she lied. She had no right to feel any pain after what she'd done, how stupid she'd been.

"Don't beat yourself up about this, Olivia," she placed a soft hand on her friends shoulder. "I uh...I slept with a married man once," she admitted. "I uh, I didn't know he was married until a month into our relationship, and when I found out...I was devastated, humiliated...but he chose not to tell me, I would never have thought to ask him, just like you didn't think to ask this guy. It happens."

Olivia turned to her, silently thanking her for being so kind.

"And uh, I'm sure the guys feel the same way, it could have happened to anyone okay?" she asked, smiling softly as Olivia nodded. "Go home, get some sleep and get ready to come in tomorrow and do what you do best."

Olivia nodded slowly, Melinda was right, she made a bad decision but she didn't need it to determine how she lived the rest of her life, in time this would all go away and she would be able to forget it ever happened...

**Please R & R! Xx**


	4. Chapter 4

"No!"

She shot up in her bed, shaking and sweating. It was the third night in a row, each dream was different but each one nearly killed her. Tonight she had dreamt that she was watching May commit a rape but was frozen in the spot, as he turned and smiled she wanted nothing more than to reach for her gun and shoot the son of a bitch.

Now as she sat in her bed, drenched in sweat, struggling to compose herself, she wondered if she would always feel this guilty. She threw the covered off of her and slowly got up, walking towards the kitchen so that she could pour herself a drink of ice cold water, anything to get the taste of May's lips and tongue out of her mouth, no matter how many times she brushed her teeth he just wouldn't leave her alone.

She bit her lip as she remembered Elliot's words.

"See who you can pick up tonight! Paedophile? Murderer? I'm sure they'll be lining up around the corner when they hear how easy it was for May"

The past four days had seen her more humiliated than she had ever been in her life and as much as everyone said it was okay, she knew it wasn't. Cragen was avoiding her gaze, Munch barely spoke to her and Elliot...she was lucky if Elliot grunted at her once a day. He had been unbearable since their little showdown at her apartment and she'd actually been relieved to have been working with Fin while Elliot and Munch re interviewed the May's victims. Cragen decided it was best for her not to be in contact with the victims and she couldn't help but feel disheartened, but she knew that he was right.

After padding slowly back into her bedroom wondering if her captain would ever respect her again she lay down, praying that she would at least get a few hours sleep before her haunted sleep tormented her again.

**

Elliot lay awake, he'd been struggling to sleep even since he'd found out about Olivia and May. He was wracked with guilt over the way that he had spoken to her but he just couldn't talk to her, he'd tried a few times and ended up grunting at her. Last night he had dreamt about May, all over Olivia, holding her down as she protested, as she begged him to stop, that had nearly killed him. Tonight...tonight it was him on top of her, kissing her, exploring her mouth with his own and she didn't say no, she didn't protest, she wrapped her legs around him and kissed him twice as hard.

He'd woken up even more confused than when he'd closed his eyes, thinking about May's words. She had said his name during sex...why? What did it mean? He knew what it meant to him, he couldn't look at her without wanting to run 10 miles in the opposite direction, he didn't know how to take the admission from May and he was picking his frustration out on Olivia.

He knew that she had never intended to sleep with May and he knew that she was humiliated but he couldn't sit down and comfort her because he just didn't understand her anymore. He didn't know how he was supposed to take her, how he was supposed to look at her knowing that she had spoken his name while she was having sex, while someone was doing all the things with her that he had told himself he didn't want to do with her.

**

Olivia looked up from her desk as Fin walked in shaking his head.

"He's out on bail," he sighed sitting down at his desk.

"What?!" she exclaimed standing up. "They caught him, how could he get out-"

"Liv I don't even know how it happened, don't worry we'll get our case together and he'll have no way of getting out of it," he spoke softly. Knowing that she would be blaming herself when in actual fact it was nothing to do with her.

She couldn't help but wonder if it was anything to do with her, she shook her head, it couldn't have been. She walked over to the coffee machine, wondering exactly how she could make sure that May went away for a very long time.

"Come on!" Elliot's voice rang out as he entered the building. "No Kathleen, no he can't stay over...I said no!" he hung up his mobile phone angrily. "Damn it!" he walked straight past her, not even acknowledging her.

**

A few hours later Olivia was sat at her desk wondering why she was being punished. Elliot had been in a foul mood all day, they'd already had a yelling match and been reprimanded by Cragen and she couldn't even remember how the argument started, she asked him if he was okay? It was unbearable to think that Elliot was so annoyed at her that he wouldn't even talk to her, he wouldn't even look at her.

Every time she tried to start a conversation he would snap at her and she couldn't take it anymore. She sighed as she closed the file in front of her.

"Olivia."

She felt a chill run down her spine as she heard the familiar voice. She turned around with wide eyes as she saw May stood there, smiling. She looked around slowly wondering where everyone was.

"You can't be here," she told him, standing up slowly, struggling to keep her voice from shaking with either fear or anger.

He smiled and walked towards her slowly, she wanted to pull out her gun and shoot him there and then as he looked her up and down with a sadistic grin on his face.

"I actually came here to make a statement..." his eyes travelled to her throat, he licked his lips as he saw the harsh bruise on her neck, a reminder of the night's they'd spent together. "And I was thinking that maybe when I was done..."

"I'll find you someone who can take your statement-" she turned to walk away, she didn't even know what he needed to make a statement about but she didn't care. Being close to him made her feel physically sick. She stopped as he placed a hand on her arm, pulling her back to face him.  
"I had a great time when we..." he licked his lips as she pulled away from his grasp.

"Get your hands off of me," she warned him angrily. She could feel the anger building up inside of her, every second that she was close to him she wanted to hit him, knowing the situation he had put her in and now watching as he mentally undressed her she wondered if she would get away with punching him – just once.

"Oh come on, you didn't mind my hands on you a few nights ago...in fact if I remember rightly you couldn't get enough of it."

"You son of a bitch-" before Olivia could react Elliot had May by the throat against one of the desks with a fist in the air. She immediately launched herself at him.

"Elliot no!" she wrapped her hand around his fist, pulling him away slowly, almost frightened at the amount of hatred she could see in his eyes.

Elliot suddenly let go of his hold on May's neck and shook himself out of Olivia's grasp, watching as a twisted grin appeared on May's face.

"You're Elliot."

He felt sick. Stood inbetween Olivia and the man she had been having sex with just a few nights ago...the man who had turned out to be the sort of man Olivia Benson hated. The man who knew what she sounded like when she came, the man who know exactly what it felt like to be inside of his partner. The man who so callously told him that she had called out another man's name...his name...he shook himself out of his daze and turned to May.

"You shut your mouth and get out of here! If I see you near her again I'm going to arrest you," he warned his pointing finger inches away other man's face.

"Whatever you say Elliot...Olivia," he turned to her with a smile. "I guess we'll have to just keep it as a dirty one night stand."

The familiar feeling of self loathing crept back into Olivia's mind as she watched May leave.

"You didn't have to do that," she spoke quietly, turning to her partner who still look ready to attack.

"What so I just let him touch you? You don't think he's done that enough-"

"Okay, is this going to go on forever? Are you ever going to get over this or is this what it's going to be like from now on?"

"I just saved you!" he yelled, his face now only inches away from hers.

"I don't need to be saved Elliot!" how had it gotten to this? She had wanted to thank him when this conversation had started...

"You don't need to be saved? You call getting drunk and having sex with rapists not needing to be saved?"

"I didn't know-"

"You didn't know! You knew that you didn't know him that he could've been anyone! You knew that and you still let him..." he turned away from her, his hand flying up to his forehead. "God! You don't get it do you?"

"No you know what Elliot I don't! Why don't you spell it out for me!"

"He couldn't raped you! He could've raped you Olivia, you were too drunk to know better he could have done anything to you and you would've ended up just like your-" he stopped all to quickly.

"Ended up like my what?" she asked, anger boiling in the bottom of her stomach. "Like my mother?"

"I didn't mean it like that-"

"You didn't..." she nodded slowly before looking up at him, fighting the urge to slap him there and then. "You know what?" her voice was shaking. "Screw you."

"Olivia..." he sighed as she walked towards the exit.

"Screw you Elliot!"

**

He hadn't meant it the way it sounded. He hadn't. He wasn't trying to hurt her, he was just trying to make her see how quickly her life could've been changed. Maybe she was right, maybe it wasn't anything to do with him but what kind of a friend would he have been if he had just sat back while she nearly got herself hurt?

He sat outside her apartment, like he had done for the past hour trying to summon up the courage to go in and apologise but he'd simply sat there, thinking about what it was exactly that bothered him so much about Olivia sleeping with May. He had realised a few hours before that if it had been any man, rapist or not, that she had gone home with that night, he would have felt the same little pang of jealousy that he just couldn't shift.

**

He'd been sat outside of her apartment for an hour. She was considering calling him and telling him exactly where to go but she knew that would only spur him on so she ignored him. Who the hell did he think he was, her father? Of course not, that would make him the kind of man he hated, a man like May and the thousands of others like him that they had seen through their partnership.

She knew, accepted and agreed that she had been stupid but Elliot was taking it to heart. She had expected a little disappointment but he was downright angry at her all the time and she simply didn't understand why. She knew that he hadn't been trying to upset her by almost mentioning her mother because he wouldn't do that, he hadn't in the eight years they had been paired together and he wouldn't now, she knew that much.

She sighed as she looked out the window again. Still there. Just as he had been every other few minutes that she'd looked out the window, apparently she wasn't all that good at ignoring him. She sighed picking up her phone and waiting...

"Come up."


	5. Chapter 5

**I am so sorry for the delay on this chapter, as an I'm sorry & a thank you for all of your support with the story I've put 3 chapters into this update. I've got the next two chapters ready to go and I'm hoping to post them in the next few hours but I'd really like to get a bit of feedback first so please R & R Xxx**

The door was ajar when he reached the top of the stairs after a slow climb. He walked into the apartment he knew so well and closed the door slowly, wondering if she knew exactly long he had been sat outside and why she hadn't told him to screw himself and to stop stalking her. She was still looking out of the window with her back to him as he stood, unsure of what to say.

He'd never felt this unsure around her. There had been times when he knew that she didn't want him around, times when he knew that he needed her and times when he just couldn't decide but he could always read her, read something that told him what to do.

Not now.

"What do you want Elliot?" her soft, defeated voice shook him from his thoughts.

"Uh, you told me to come up-" he began.

"You've been sat outside my apartment for the past hour," she finally turned to him her arms firmly wrapped around herself. She looked so tired, so worn out...so pale. "What did you want me to do call the police?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I just wanted to come and apologise," he spoke softly. He watched as she looked up at him, she was as unsure as he was. "I didn't...Liv I would never say what you thought I was going to say, you have to know that?"

"I do," she admitted. About five minutes after she had got home she thought about Elliot's words and she knew what he was trying to say and he was right. She could have been raped, she had been stupid.

"You do?" he asked, eyebrows raised. He finally braved it and took a step towards her.

"Elliot, go home," she sighed as she turned her back to him again.

"It's not your fault, May...you didn't know."

"You've changed your tune," she sighed again, walking towards the kitchen, still unable to face him.

"I was wrong I..." he took a deep breath, "I met a woman..." he trailed off waiting for her reaction.

Her heart stopped. He was seeing someone?

"When Kathy and I finalised the divorce I went to the nearest bar and I met a woman and I...I slept with her," he admitted. He'd never told her this before because he was embarrassed of his actions. "I didn't know her second name, I didn't take her number and I didn't give her mine...I just...I needed someone and she was there," he told her.

She looked up at him.

"Why are you telling me this?" she knew exactly why he was telling her. He was trying to make her feel better about May.

"Elliot less than a couple of hours ago you were yelling at me about this, why are you suddenly turning all Oprah on me?" she was trying to pretend that she didn't care but his admission had stung. She had no right to feel anything, especially jealousy but she couldn't help it, he was her partner, her...her Elliot.

"A couple of hours ago I was being an ass...it happens," he gave her a soft smile. "I just...I know why you did it, and you were just unlucky."

"Shocking huh?" she asked sarcastically. Her...bad luck? Never!

"I'm sorry if I...that I made you feel worse, I had no right to do that...I was just...surprised, and I obviously didn't deal with it all that well...but if you need to talk-"

"I'm fine-"

"No you aren't."

"Don't tell me what I am-"

"What was the last time you slept? Ate?" he asked, watching as her expression gave him the only answer he needed. "Come on Liv, you don't need to beat yourself up about this-"

"No, I don't because you've done it for me for the past five days-"

"I said I'm sorry-"

"And that just makes it all okay? The...the embarrassment? The way you spoke to me? That's all okay now because you've decided you forgive me? You've suddenly remembered how much of a hypocrite you are because you needed someone too?" tears filled her eyes and the self loathing she had been feeling for days was back. She was crumbling in front of him.

"Listen I'm trying to apologise-" his voice was barely a whisper.

"You're trying to make yourself feel better because you know that you acted like a jerk, and I...I don't have the time for this Elliot, I'm tired...close the door on your way out," she took a few steps towards her bedroom fully intending to walk in, close the door and stay there until he left.

He moved quicker than she had expected him to and within moments he was stood in front of her, his hand resting gently on her wrist, stopping her from leaving.

"I'm sorry...I acted like a jerk...I don't know why, I just..." he shook his head, his eyes slowly travelling to the bruises slowly fading on her neck. "He could've hurt you, and the thought of anyone..." his free hand traced the outlines of the bruise around her neck. He watched as she closed her eyes, a chill running along her spine as he touched her. "And I just...I need to know why you needed someone..." he admitted.

She sighed softly, unable to answer him.

He remembered the words of May.

_"She said she'd had a bad say at work...someone she worked with?"_

"Elliot please, I'm tired..." she shook her head and tried to pull away from him. She looked up at him as he tightened his grip on her wrist. She simply looked at him, her chest heaving as began to found it increasingly harder to breathe.

"Don't shut me out, please," he begged, unable to do anything but stare at her.

Since she had walked out on him after their argument he had thought of nothing but her. What if she left again? He knew that he had to make it right, he knew he had let her down and he needed to make it up to her, he needed to be close to her. He gently cupped her cheek, watching as she closed her eyes, this was what he needed, he needed her to trust him again, to let him in.

"Liv..." he sighed as he struggled to find the words. His heart skipped a beat as he watched the first tear fall, a single tear sliding down her cheek. He knew that she wouldn't open her eyes, that she didn't want to watch him as he watched her cry and his heart physically ached as he watched her stood in front of him so defeated and so utterly lost.

Why the hell had he been so self righteous? How could he have yelled at her instead of making sure that she was okay. He sighed as he accepted the admission he had been rejecting since he had found about May and Olivia. It wasn't May, it wasn't the fact that she had put herself in danger. He was jealous that she had been intimate with another man, a man that wasn't him. He wanted her to be intimate with him...

He wasn't thinking straight, he wasn't thinking at all so he did it. He pulled her towards him and pressed his lips against hers, softly, seeking her approval. He felt her freeze beneath him, his heart stopped as he realised exactly what he was doing, he was kissing his partner, he was kissing Olivia. He pulled her even closer to him and deepened the kiss, waiting for her to pull away and punch him in the face for even thinking about kissing her.

She'd had nightmares for days, nightmares that started like this, Elliot kissing her. Then slowly Elliot would change, until he was May, on top of her, forcing his lips against hers, his rough hands holding her down.

She felt his tongue run along her bottom lip and felt his hands on her, pulling her closer to him, and she couldn't believe it was happening. She'd been craving this moment for years, she'd dreamt about this, about his lips on hers, his chest against hers, about him. He ran his hand gently across her neck and she froze as his fingers skimmed the bruise left by May's teeth and suddenly it wasn't Elliot anymore, it was May's mouth, May's finger...it wasn't her partner who she loved more than she would ever be able to describe it was a callous rapist who she had stupidly allowed into her life.

"What the hell are you doing?" she gasped, wiping the stray tear from her cheek, looking at him in complete disbelief. It was no longer May she saw but Elliot, what the hell had she been thinking allowing him to touch her like that, to kiss her. They were partners.

He stared right back at her, unable to move, what the hell was he thinking? "I'm...I'm..." he shook his head, watching as she brought her fingers to her lips. He'd never been more embarrassed in his life. How could he have gotten it so wrong, she didn't want him, she never had.

Millions of thoughts ran through her head at the same time and she was finding it hard to catch her breath as they simply stood staring at each other both looking as shocked as each other.

"I think you should go," she whispered, she had never been more confused in her life. Elliot didn't see her like that, she knew he didn't so why...

"No, Liv – I'm sorry I just...I don't know what I was thinking, I didn't mean to..." he stepped forwards and watched as she took two steps back. "I don't know why I did...why I...God, I'm sorry, you were upset-"

"I was upset?"

"I...I'm sorry," he rasped, terrified that he had lost her forever.

"I uh...you should go," she repeated, unsure of what to say or do.

"I thought-"

"You thought what Elliot?"

"May said..." he trailed off, she didn't need to hear this, she didn't need to hear that he knew she had moaned his name, that she'd been thinking about him as she'd had sex with another man.

"May said what?" she asked quickly.

"Nothing," he shook his head.

"Elliot, May said what? How the hell could anything he said make you think that..." she stopped.

_"Elliot no!" she wrapped her hand around his fist, pulling him away slowly, almost frightened at the amount of hatred she could see in his eyes._

Elliot suddenly let go of his hold on May's neck and shook himself out of Olivia's grasp, watching as a twisted grin appeared on May's face.

"You're Elliot."

"What did he mean...you're Elliot?" she asked, frowning as she remembered May's words. She watched as Elliot shook his head and she knew that there was something he wasn't telling her. "Elliot, damn it!" she shocked him with her outburst.

"You uh, you don't wanna hear this now-"

"Elliot, tell me, what the hell are you hiding?"

"Liv..." he sighed, knowing that she wouldn't drop it. "He uh, May said...he said that you...that you said my name," he hated himself, why did he have to be the one to tell her and just moments after he's kissed her.

"What? When?" he could see the confusion on her face and suddenly it was gone. She looked up at hi with wide eyes, knowing exactly when she had said his name, and knowing that he knew too. "Oh my god," she brought her hand up to her mouth.

"Liv I-"

"You need to go," she almost pleaded as she waited for the ground to swallow her up. She had never been more embarrassed and ashamed in her whole life, the last five days were nothing compared to this. "Please."

He nodded slowly and walked towards the front door, closing it gently as he left.

**

He didn't have a hope in hell of sleeping, he wondered why he'd even bothered going to bed in the first place. All he could think about was the sweet taste of her lips, and the feel of her chest against his. He sighed and turned onto his side, praying for just a few hours sleep. He closed his eyes, forcing himself to try and dream of anything other than his partner.

After a few more minutes of trying he felt himself start to slip into a light sleep but only images of Olivia plagued his mind. She was crying, then angry, then kissing him, then crying again. He opened his eyes slowly as his cell phone started ringing and looked at the caller I.D "Liv".

**

She had no idea how long she'd been here, no idea where here even was...she knew it had been a bad idea to come, but now she was too drunk to care. One after another, she'd lined the shots up and downed them, praying they would annihilate the memories of the past five days. Of course it didn't work, and she felt stupid for allowing herself to get this drunk again but she wanted to forget, the look in Elliot's eyes, the feel of his lips against her...his hard chest. She shook her head, this was supposed to help her forget, not make her want him even more.

She had said his name during sex...He knew that she had called his name during sex, how would she be able to face him again? Is that why he'd kissed her? He thought he could get an easy lay...he'd used those words to describe her, maybe he thought it was his turn? No, she shook her head, Elliot wasn't like that, he wouldn't think like that, especially about her. She sighed, how the hell had she gotten herself into such a mess.

Every time she closed her eyes she felt May on top of her, his hands on her, his lips on hers. She shuddered. She knew that now when she closed her eyes it would be both May and Elliot she saw.

"Hey."

Jesus, she could even hear him, as if he was right next to her. She sighed and lowered her head until it was against the bar, being drunk used to be more fun than this.

"Liv?"

She turned her head to the voice. There he was, stood in a blue sweatshirt and jeans with a...was that a sympathetic look on his face?

"What do you want?" she slurred, pushing her head away from the bar.

"The uh, the barman...lady called me," he nodded to the slightly butch barmaid. "Said you might need picking up."

"I don't. I can pick myself up," the slurring was worse as she swung her legs off of the chair. He caught her before she fell and she swayed in his arms.

"Come on lets go-"

"I don't want to go with you, I...I don't want you to touch me," she pushed him away and grabbed the bar to keep her standing.

"Hey, lady I'm sorry he was the last person you called, I thought he was a friend- the lady said she doesn't want you to touch her buddy," the barmaid walked out from behind the bar as Elliot approached her again.

"You know what it's fine, I'll take her-" he reached for Olivia again.

"She said that she doesn't want to go with you, what part of that don't you understand?"

"Listen...lady," he looked her up and down, she was no lady, baggy jeans and an equally baggy T-shirt with sneakers.

"No you look asshole! Seems to me the lady doesn't want you, what is it honey? This guy think you're his property?" she turned from Olivia back to Elliot, "Why do I get the feeling you're the reason she's here?"

"You know what, this is official business-" he sighed and produced his badge, "This, is my partner, she'd not my property, I'm not going to touch her, I just want to make sure she gets home safe."

"Her home, not yours-"

"Her home. Now please step out of the way."

**

Elliot walked towards his car, his arms supporting Olivia who had come quietly.

"Thanks for making that barmaid think I was beating you," he sighed.

"I didn't, I just didn't want to..." she shook her head, unable to finish her sentence.

"And a gay bar?" he asked, raising his eyebrows as they reached his car.

"Elliot...Just take me home..." she swayed as he opened the door. Stopping as he put a hand on her shoulder.

"Liv, I'm sorry okay?" he started, "I uh, I shouldn't have said anything about..."

"Do you want me?" she asked surprising both herself and him.

"What?"

"Do you want me Elliot?" she needed him to want her, she needed him to see her as he used to.

"Liv-"

"Because I want you, I do, I want you and I don't..." she shook her head, she couldn't finish her sentence, she had never been this drunk before. She looked up at him and placed her hand on his cheek, "I messed up," she whispered, tears filling her eyes. "And I'm sorry, I am sorry, please don't hate me?"

"Hate you? Liv..." he took a deep breath, "You know I don't hate you, let's get you home-" before he could finish she pulled him towards her and kissed him. She needed him, she need him to need her, she loved him and she needed him to love her back. She slipped her tongue into his mouth and moaned as he allowed her access.

"Liv..."he whispered pulling away, pressing his forehead against hers. He wanted her so much, but she was drunk, there was no way she wanted this and when she was sober she would hate him.

"Come home with me..." she whispered, placing another short kiss on his lips.

"I can't-" his heart was thumping but he had to remind himself, she wouldn't do this if she was sober.

"Please, you can...you can, I want you to. Don't you want to?" she asked, softly, kissing him again. She yet again slipped her tongue into his mouth, tasting him, teasing him. "Come home with me, come to bed with me..." she pulled him closer, kissing him again.

He froze as she moaned into his mouth and prayed that she wouldn't hate him in the morning.

**

Pain.

Her whole body was aching, her head was thumping and her mouth was drier than the Sahara desert. She groaned as she struggled to push herself up from lying on her stomach with the comforter only barley covering her almost naked body.

What the hell happened last night?

She was dressed only in her bra and panties. She finally managed to push herself up off of the mattress but wished that she hadn't as her head began to swim. Why did she continue to do this to herself? She raised her hand to her head, looking around her bedroom searching for clues of exactly how she's ended up in the state that she was in.

**

She'd been here far too many times in the past few weeks, clinging to the toilet, waiting for the nausea to ease. She wiped her mouth for the third time and closed her eyes trying to piece together the random memories that had scattered through her brain.

She'd gone to a bar to try and ease just a little bit of the pain and embarrassment caused by Elliot's admission but she'd been careful this time. She'd gone to a gay bar, knowing there was no chance of bringing anyone home and that she could therefore get as drunk as she wanted. She opened her eyes and frowned as her jeans lay in a heap with the sweater she'd been wearing the night before.

Why had she taken her clothes off in the bathroom? She hadn't had a shower as her underwear was bone dry so why? How had she even got home?

Slowly events from the night before had been trickling through. She'd gone to a gay bar on purpose to make sure she wouldn't be approached by any men. She'd sat thinking for hours about Elliot's confession and slowly everything became hazy.

She froze.

Elliot.

_"Liv would you walk?" he sounded angry. He was struggling to get her from the car to her apartment, why the hell had he parked so far away. He was simply dragging his partner, who's legs had decided not to co operate with any sort of plan to get her home. He had an arm wrapped around her waist, holding her tightly as she continuously slumped into him. "Liv, come on-"_

_"Ssshhh..." she pulled herself up until she was swaying directly across from her partner, face to face. She gently placed a finger over his lips, "Ssshhh..." she smiled. "Are you taking me home?"_

_"I'm trying," he was losing his patience, the bar lady had frustrated him to no end._

_"Good..." she slurred, caressing her partners cheek. "Take me home...take me home..." she was struggling to keep her head up, struggling to keep her eyes open. She slumped into her partners chest and closed her eyes._

Elliot sat alone in his apartment. He'd been staring into space for what must have been hours wondering how he was going to face Olivia after spending the night in her apartment. He knew she would be embarrassed, there was a chance she would hate him, a chance she'd never speak to him again.

He had thought about calling her, talking the events of the night before through with her but he knew that it wouldn't work. He needed see her face to face it was the only way she owuldn't be able to avoid him.

He could still feel her on top of him, rocking her hips gently as he struggled to control himself. He could still hear her voice as she purred his name, he didn't think he'd ever forget it. He'd planned to just drop her home, just drop her home and make sure she was safe. Why the hell had he followed her in?

_"Liv...Liv," he sighed as they reached the door of her apartment. "Liv where's your key?"_  
_Elliot had been sat alone in his partner's living room for what must have been hours. Olivia had fallen asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow and although he'd thought about leaving he couldn't bring himself to walk out the door._**

_"Why don't you pat me down and find it?" she slurred. She lifted her head and smiled at him, biting her bottom lip seductively as she pressed her back against the door of her apartment building._

_Elliot reached into her coat pocket, he found the keys right away._

_"You're just...your no fun," she suddenly slid down towards the floor and Elliot grabbed he to pull her up. He looked up as she pulled him towards her. "El..." she slowly pressed her lips against his. She felt his immediate arousal against her thigh and knew that he wanted her that was all she needed. "Take me to bed."_

He closed his eyes. She was never going to speak to him again.

He had practically carried her up the stairs leading to her apartment and put her to bed praying that she wouldn't wake up before he had time to leave. He needed to get out, to forget the feel of her lips against his, to forget her words, to remember that if she hadn't been drinking she would never have acted that way.

_"Elliot."_

_He turned to face her as she exited the bathroom unsteadily._

_"I...I'm sorry," she whispered as tears filled her eyes._

_"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for okay? You got drunk, it happens, you've picked me up a few times and taken me home, I'm just returning the favour," he smiled softly. She seemed to have sobered up, just enough to feel embarrassed around him._

_She nodded and closed her eyes for a moment. The room was spinning; she leant towards Elliot and pressed her head against his strong chest._

_"You're gonna feel rough tomorrow Liv," he gently lead her back into her bedroom, towards her bed._

_"Are you leaving?" she whispered softly, wanting him to say no._

_**_

_What was he doing?_

_He should have left as soon as he got her into the apartment. He should never have let her kiss him and he shouldn't have kissed her back. But he did let her kiss him and he did kiss her back so now as he sat in her apartment thinking about her, thinking about how he had treated her, how he'd driven her to her drunken state. He should never have told her that he knew...that he knew she'd said his name while having sex with someone else._

_He was shaken from his thought as Olivia slowly walked out of her bedroom, she was wearing a white tank top and navy shorts. She gave him a soft smile and walked toward him,_

_"How you feeling?" he asked, shifting in his seat as she sat next to him._

_"Well you have two heads instead of three...so I guess that's good?" she shrugged and offered a small smile._

_"You want some water?" he was about to get up._

_She put a hand on his ram to stop him. "I'm good, you uh, you can go if you want...thank you-"_

_"Hey don't mention it I... I didn't do anything you haven't done," he shifted again in his seat. "Listen...I didn't mean to upset you when I told you-"_

_"Elliot-"_

_"No, please...I didn't mean to upset you, I wasn't trying to get at you...I would never-"_

_"Elliot I know," she wanted the conversation to stop there. She couldn't talk to him about this, especially not while she was still drunk. The few hours sleep got rid of the incredible drunkenness and she was left with just being plain old drunk._

_"We're friends and I-" he stopped as he heard her snigger. "What?"_

_"We're not...honestly? Elliot we haven't been friends for a very long time...we've been partners...colleagues...but friends?" apparently she was an incredibly honest drunk. "We spend all our spare time arguing or taking cheap shots at each other-"_

_"I know it hasn't been easy recently-"_

_"Recently...it's been unbearable, before that it wasn't easy," she watched as his forced smile faded._

_"Look if this is about the way I reacted to May-"_

_"This isn't about him, this is about us-"_

_"But we're having this discussion because you slept with him-"_

_"And you're never going to let me forget it are you? This is what I'm talking about Elliot, I can't do this...I can't keep doing this. I don't rub it in your face when you mess up, when you make mistakes so why do you always do it to me?" she couldn't help the slight slurring at the end of the sentence._

_"I don't...I don't mean to Liv I just-"_

_"I screwed up, I know that...and I know you're mad at me for...God I'm not doing this again you should go," she stood up all too quickly and the room began to spin. She felt a pair of strong hands grip her upper arms, stopping her from falling._

_"I'm not mad at you-"_

_"You have no right to be mad at me for having sex with him," she spoke so softly he barely heard her, "I'm not your wife," she shook her head, praying he wouldn't let go, knowing that if he did she would hit the floor, fast. "I don't..." she gave up on forming any kind of logical sentence. "Oh God...I kissed you..." she placed her hand over her lips, tracing the exact place where his lips had been hours before. Why the hell had she kissed him? Why the hell had she only remembered now? "I'm sorry," she told him._

_"We all do stupid things when we're drunk."_

_But suddenly, now that she'd remembered, she wanted to do it again. She placed a soft hand on his cheek and cautiously pressed her lips against his, waiting for him to push her away. Maybe she was more drunk than she realised. Her brain was screaming for her to run away, run away and never look back but her heart? Her heart was pounding so loudly she thought even he would be able to hear it._

_To her surprise Elliot returned the kiss, just as softly as she had given it. He pulled her towards him until her breasts were pressed against her chest. He wanted this, he wanted her. He had wanted to tell her that the reason he was such a bastard was because he was jealous of the thought of her with another man...with any man other than him but he didn't, he couldn't because that would be admitting too much._

_Now kissing her, it could be put down to hormones...to drunken stupidity – perhaps her drunken state was affecting him? He knew that he had to stop but he just couldn't. He'd dreamt of this moment, dreamt of her lips on his her chest heaving against his, he'd dreamt of her every night for years._

_Before he had time to react he was being edged towards the sofa. He sat down, slightly confused until she clambered on top of him, straddling him. She kissed him with more force as he felt his arousal growing, he couldn't believe it was finally happening. She ran her hands through his hair as she gently rocked her hips against his growing erection. His mind was racing._

_He couldn't do this, he couldn't let her do this, something she would never do if she was sober, it had to stop now. She didn't want him the way that he wanted her._

_"Liv," he swallowed the lump in his throat._

_"Hmm?" she pulled away slightly to look at him, she was squinting.._

_"Uh, this isn't...this isn't a good idea," he swallowed again as he saw her face drop._

_"It's okay," she whispered, closing her eyes and kissing him again, "I want you...come to bed..." she climbed up off of him and held her hand out as she swayed from side to side._

_"I uh, I can't," he stood up slowly watching as confusion filled her face. "You're drunk-"_

_"I'm not..." even she knew that she was drunk, he could see that. "I need you, and you need me, that's what this has been all about right? All the arguments, all the tension... it's because you want me?"_

_"If I was drunk it would be different." He regretted the words as soon as he spoke them._

_She recoiled in horror, he had to be drunk to sleep with her? To even think about it? Suddenly the realisation of the situation hit her. She was practically begging her partner to sleep with her and he was disgusted at the though._

_"Oh God," she brought her hand up to her mouth._

_"Liv no-" he stepped towards her._

_"Go," she pulled away, swaying slightly, leaning on the wall to make sure that she didn't fall._

_"Liv-"_

_"Please..." she closed her eyes to hide the tears of utter embarrassment, she knew he would be mortified too but she had made the biggest idiot of herself. How could she have thought that he wanted to sleep with her? He was just being a good partner, getting her drunken ass home safely._

_She would never be able to face him again after this._

_"Liv if you just-"_

_"Get out, please, please get out."_

_He knew she was about to cry, he knew she was about to break down and he knew she'd never forgive him if he stayed to watch so he slowly walked towards the door thinking of anything he could say to make it okay but there was nothing, so he simply left._

_Olivia swallowed the tears that threatened to consume her and stumbled towards the drinks cabinet, she needed to forget. She needed to forget._

How the hell could she have forgotten that?!

She shot up in her bed, cheat heaving, eyes wide. She had...she had thrown herself at her partner, what the hell was she thinking? Millions of thoughts raced through her mind as she struggled to forget the newly remembered feel of his lips against hers. She would never be able to look him in the face again, how could she have been so stupid?! For eight years she had ignored every primal desire to rip Elliot's shirt off and take him in the middle of the 1-6, in the gym, in the car how could she have slipped up now?

She closed her eyes slowly, all she could see was his face. He was disgusted, he was embarrassed, he was mortified...she wasn't surprised, he had no feelings for her, never had and out of the blue she invites him into bed with her? Just weeks after bedding a rapist? What the hell was happening to her? How was she going to face Elliot again?

She was shaken from her thoughts by a short, sharp knock on the door.

"Liv it's me."

**So what do you think?? PLease R & R Xxx**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you for the amazing reviews so far! You guys are the best!!! I've really enjoyed writing this so far...**

He'd been knocking on the door now for 7 minutes, the first 3 minutes were pretty calm. He hadn't said anything, just a lot of polite, rather quiet knocking. Now? Now he was angry. He could hear her moving around inside the apartment and he was pissed that she would leave him outside without even pretending not to be there so he decided to bang a little louder.

"Liv, if you don't open the door I'm going to-"

"You're going to what?" The door swung open with such force he had to step backwards to make sure he didn't fall on top of her. "I was getting changed," she said simply.

Silence.

"Look, I know why you're here and I don't-"

"Let me in," he spoke slowly and softly. He watched as she closed her eyes for a moment before moving out of his way and allowing him to enter the apartment. He knew that he was risking a lot by just turning up, but he was terrified she'd run away even just for a little while. He needed to talk to her, to make her understand what had happened last night. He sighed as he remembered her face, the horror, the embarrassment...

"Elliot, just say what you have to say and go okay, I'm tired-"

"You're hung over," he stated. For the first time since he'd knocked on the door her stare met his.

"Don't talk to me like that-" she started.

"Like what?"

"Like you're my dad and you've just caught me drinking for the first time, I'm not one of your daughters Elliot I'm a grown woman so if you came here to-"

"I came here to apologise..."

"Oh God don't," she whispered, raising her hand to her forehead. Was he really about to apologise to her? To apologise because she straddled him and begged him to make love to her? To apologise because he politely turned her down but hinted that if he was drunk she may have gotten lucky?

"No Liv-"

"I don't wanna talk about this. You should go." She walked over to the door and pulled it open without hesitation.

"I'm not going anywhere." He folded his arms across his chest and stood exactly where he was.

"Fine, I'm going." She reached for her jacket, within seconds he was on her. His hands on her upper arms.

"Don't go, don't go we...we need to talk about this-"

"You wanna talk about it? I got drunk, I...I made a complete idiot of myself and now we both need to forget...I'm...I'm sorry okay, I should never have put you in that position," she flinched at her choice of words. "Now can we leave it? Do you think we can just leave it?"

He didn't want to. He wanted to kiss her, to feel her lips against his again. "Liv-"

"Elliot..." she sighed, utterly exhausted and yes, still hung over. "This...this can't be another thing you hold against me it's...I can't do it if this is going to be something that you throw in my face-"

"Liv, I'm not going to do that, you were drunk okay?" he rubbed his finger along her arm, trying to comfort her. "We should be able to laugh at this, we...we used to be able to laugh at things like this. When did things change?" he asked, asking himself as much as her.

There had been a time when he would have done anything for Olivia Benson and she would have done the same. They would laugh together, complain together, walk together and work together.

"We're not those people anymore." She pulled away from his grasp. "I need you to leave."

"So you can get the vodka out?"

His words hit her hard. She looked up at him.

"I'm worried about you, this isn't you. You don't bring strangers home. You don't drink yourself into oblivion-"

"What you think you're the only one who's allowed to want to forget? Damn it Elliot I've seen the same things you have! Why can't I have the same reaction as you?"

"Because that's not you!"

"Why? Because I have to look after you? Clean up after you? That's what I do? Not anymore! You know, you made me feel so small, so...so ashamed but I have never, ever done that to you, no matter what you've done. Why is it so hard for you to just help me, just once?" as she spoke tears filled her eyes. "I struggle too, I...I want to forget, I feel lonely..." her voice quivered. "And you just, you make it all worse. You rub it in my face, every mistake, every missed opportunity and I...I can't keep doing this."

She hated herself for unloading all of her issues on top of him, she meant what she said, but it wasn't him that was making her feel ashamed it was her own actions, sleeping with May. Elliot had tried to help but rather than the soft approach he chose the bulldozer approach. She needed him to understand that she needed to break down sometimes too.

"Liv, please?" his voice was strained. He swallowed the lump in his throat, completely overwhelmed by her words. How had he not seen this?

"And last night? Last night...wasn't your fault, you did the right thing okay. But I don't want to talk about it ever again, I don't want to laugh about it," she told him, not meaning to sound so vulnerable.

"Okay," he whispered, his voice suddenly horse. How could he have not seen her suffering? "It's...it's over," he admitted.

"Can you go?" she whispered, struggling to hold herself together.

He nodded slowly. "Just uh, just one thing-"

"Please?" she almost begged as he turned to face her. He was going to be brave, he had to, to make sure that his partner didn't suffer any longer.

"Last night...I said no, not because I didn't want you...it was because I couldn't stand the thought of you waking up and regretting it, cause uh, I wouldn't have." And with that, he left, gently closing the door behind him, leaving her to soak in what he'd said as the first tear fell.

He...he wouldn't have regretted it, what did that mean? That he wanted to....no? He didn't think of her in that way, was he trying to spare her feeling? Her stomach was in knots, she wanted to race down the corridor after him, to ask him to explain, to ask him to hold her.

She took two steps towards the door when she heard a gentle knock. Her stomach flipped, he had come back. All of her inhibitions suddenly melted away and wanted nothing more than hear him talk to her, she'd even listen to him hassling her about how much she had been drinking, knowing full well that he was right. She wanted him to explain what he meant.

He wasn't ashamed of her, he wasn't disgusted by her...and she loved him. She'd loved him for years and she'd been so determined to deny it that every time he pushed her away she pushed herself an extra inch further away, because then she had a reason, it wasn't her fault.

She closed her eyes and decided to seize the day, and Elliot. Taking a deep breath was ready to start again with her partner, in whatever form their new relationship would take. Friends again was the main priority and anything else would be an extra.

She pulled open the door, before she had time to even register a thought she'd hit the ground and everything had gone dark...

**Please R & R! The next 3 chapters are ready to go Xx**


	7. Chapter 7

She'd woken up only moments ago, lying on the floor of her apartment; face down in the rug that hadn't been cleaned for weeks. At first she thought that she had woken up after another drinking binge, the consistent ache in her head something all too familiar. It wasn't until she tried to move that she realised her hands were handcuffed behind her back and memories of being ambushed at her front door flooded her mind.

She struggled not to panic, her heart began to race as she heard movement behind her.

"Olivia, welcome back." Robert May stepped over her, smiling as his eyes locked with hers. "Sorry about the little blow to the head, the room should stop spinning in the next few minutes...You don't look very happy to see me-"

"What do you want?" she struggled to contain her anger and disgust for the man stood in front of her, the man who only weeks ago had taken her in his bed.

"I just wanted us to have a chance to chat without one of your bulldogs around," he sighed. "You know your partner should really learn to control his temper..."

"Most people call." She ignored his mention of Elliot and struggled to try and wriggle her hands out of the handcuffs.

"Oh come on you're saying if I called you wouldn't have hung up? Or if I knocked on the door you wouldn't have slammed it in my face?" he cocked his head to the side, looking her up and down as she lay in front of him with her hands tied. "You know this was the only way-"

"I have nothing to say to you, now uncuff me-"

"Olivia I'm not stupid, the second the cuffs come off you'll have me on my ass...which..." he licked his lips, "I wouldn't all together have a problem with, you seemed to like it on top." His smile sent shivers down her spine, she felt physically sick as she remembered her night with him. She knew she had to play into his hands, or at least make him think that she wanted to hear what he wanted to say.

"Okay...you're right I...haven't been fair, I'm sorry. I was embarrassed that my colleagues knew so much about us...I'll listen to what you have to say but, can you just sit me up...on the sofa?" she asked in her politest, softest tone.  
May looked up at her.

"It's really not very comfortable down here," she admitted. It wasn't, her right shoulder was aching and her arm was going dead.

May thought for a moments before bending down next to her. "You really are beautiful." He ran his hand along her cheek, watching as she struggled not to flinch. He smiled, running his hand along her throat. "But I'm not stupid," he whispered, so close she could feel his breath on her neck. "Does it make you feel sick?" his tone took a sinister turn as his finger swirled around her collar bone. "...Knowing how good I made you feel? Knowing what I did to those women? What I would've done to you?

Olivia bit her lip as he lowered his hand towards her breasts. She struggled to control her breathing, not to give him any reaction.

"What do you say for old times' sake..." He unbuttoned the first button of her shirt, watching as she closed her eyes. He smiled, he had broken her a lot quicker than he had expected to, he thought that she would fight him all the way. "Good girl." He pressed his lips against her for head, unbuttoning the second button on her shirt.

"We should...we should go into the bedroom," she fought the urge to head butt him there and then. She needed leverage before she attacked.

"I knew you wanted it again, it's much easier this way Olivia. You won't get hurt we can both get our kicks and then it's all over and done with – the other girls, they didn't understand that," he whispered in her ear, sending a chill down her spine. How could she have ever have touched this man?

He suddenly grabbed her and hauled her off of the ground. "Tell me...how do I compare to Elliot-" he didn't even have time to finish his sentence as she raised her knee as hard and high as she good and slammed it into his crown jewels. She used her shoulder to push him away from her and wanted as he fell to the ground.

"You stupid bitch!" he yelled as he struggled to get up off of the floor.

Panic filled every inch of her body as she ran towards the door and struggled, using her tied hands, to open the door. She barely had time to get to the door before May had recovered and suddenly she was down, he'd rugby tacked her to the floor, her shoulder cracking as she landed on her back, arms behind her and May on top of her.

"You stupid bitch, you stupid, stupid bitch!" The first blow was to her stomach, it took the wind out of her as she struggled to fight May off of her without the use of her hands. She couldn't catch her breath as his blows kept coming hard and fast. He suddenly stopped and grabbed her by the throat, squeezing so that she could barely breathe. "You're just like those other bitches Olivia," he pressed his lips against her temple. "And now you're going to get what you deserve." He ripped open her shirt, revealing a tank top.

She gasped and took in all the air she could after being restricted. "No!" she screamed. Twisting and turning, kicking her legs, trying to wriggle out from under him.

"Oh come on you like it rough! Is this what Elliot does for you?" he slapped her hard across the face. Laughing as she struggled to get away from him. "I'm stronger than you sweetheart, you want to fight it...makes it all the more fun for me." He reached his hand down to the zip of his trousers, looking away from her for just a moment, she took her chance.

She used all of her upper body strength, using her hands to push up off of the floor so that she could push herself into a sitting position. She smashed her head against May's, ignoring the pain simply clambering up off of the floor as he rolled off of her in pain.

**

Elliot sighed as he pulled up outside her apartment for the second time, she'd asked him to leave, asked him to stay away but when he was half way home his heart started thumping and his brain started screaming at him to turn around. He needed to check she was okay, that she wasn't upset...he needed to let her know that he needed them to get through whatever it was that was happening.

"Stabler-" he answered his phone as it rang. Of course, he would be called to a case just as it was make or break time for him and Olivia.

"Elliot, it's Fin – local cops patched through a call, sounds of a woman screaming and lots of banging-"

"Okay where?" he sighed.

"Elliot, it's Liv's apartment – the cops are-" he didn't hear the rest of the sentence. He simply hung up and put his foot down.

**

"Olivia!" he practically ran into the door, banging it loudly. "Liv!" he pulled out his key hurriedly and opened the door.

He froze. "Liv," he gasped.

She was stood above May, who was lying on the floor. She angrily kicked him in the ribs, and again, and again. She was battered and bruised and her hands were tied behind her back. She had a large cut with a bruise forming under her eye, her bottom lip was swollen and bloody. Her shirt was ripped open, revealing fresh bruises on her neck and chest.

"Son of a bitch!" she yelled as she kicked him again, ignoring his pleas for her to stop.

"Liv!" Elliot ran over to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her away, fearing that she would kill the bastard, not that he didn't deserve it.

"Get off me!" she kicked out again, narrowly missing May.

Two uniformed officer ran through the door.

"Get him out of here!" Elliot called as he struggled to hold Olivia back. The officers did as they were told, hauling May out of Olivia's apartment. "It's okay," he whispered softly as Olivia began to stop fighting him. "You're okay," he turned her around until she was facing him and gently enveloped her in his arms. She leant her head against his chest, struggling to catch her breath, to calm down.

He gently ran his hand through her hair, using his other hand to pull her closer. Millions of thoughts had run through his mind when he'd been driving to her apartment, running up the stairs. What if she was dead? What if his last ever conversation with her had been an argument? He looked down as she pulled away slightly.

"Uh, there's a spare key in my bedroom, the first drawer on the right side of my bed." The pain in her shoulder was intense.

"Oh, right..." he sheepishly walked into her bedroom, finding the key and walking out, starting to uncuff her. He looked up when she winced and gasped as her hands became free. "You okay?" he asked, feeling slightly stupid for asking a woman who looked like she'd done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson if she was okay.

"I think my shoulder is dislocated..." she spoke through the pain, grasping her arm and pulling it close to her body, hoping it would stop the pain.

"Okay, let's get you to the hospital," he lead her towards the front door with a gentle hand on her back.

**

Three hours later and she wearily walked through Elliot's apartment door. Cragen had suggested she stay with Elliot as her apartment was technically a crime scene. Her arm was in a sling, and the pain was now a dull ache, although she'd never felt as much pain as when the doctor in the hospital clicker her shoulder back into place.

"You okay?"

She jumped. "Oh God," she was as shocked as he was by her reaction. "Sorry," she bowed her head for a moment.

"You okay?" he repeated, with a sympathetic look on his face.

"I'm okay...just tired," she lied.

"May had three broken ribs, you kicked the crap out of him." He was almost proud. She had fought and won against a man twice her size. "He was crying like a baby," he smiled, the smile faded. "Uh, Liv – sit down." He lead her to the sofa and sat across from her, wincing at the large bruise that almost covered half her face.

"He didn't rape me Elliot." She knew what he was going to ask. "He tried...he got pretty close," she shuddered. "But he didn't rape me." She watched as he tried to hide his sigh of relief.

"I am so sorry I didn't stay-"

"Elliot, this isn't your fault okay...don't worry about it, he was just waiting until I was alone." She sighed and stood up, struggling not to cry out from the pain in both her shoulder and her broken rib.

"I uh...I'll show you to the bedroom," he spoke softly.

**

She'd been lying in bed for hours, just staring at the ceiling. She'd tried to sleep but nightmares plagued her. May had gotten incredibly close to turning her into a victim and as much as she hated it, the attacked had left her shaken and scared. She looked up as she heard a creak outside the door.

"You okay?" she heard Elliot's soft voice.

"Uh...I'm-"

"Fine?" he smiled, knowing what she was going to say. "You can't sleep either?" he asked, watching as she shook her head. "I thought I'd lost you today," he admitted, sitting on the bed next to her.

"You dind't-"

"No I mean it...I was so scared, and then to walk in and see you kicking the crap out of that son of a bitch?" he laughed.

"I...he was going to rape me," she surprised herself by saying the words. His expression changed.

"You stopped him, you saved yourself."

"But what if I hadn't?" she looked up at him, tears forming in her eyes.

"The I would have stopped him, I would've saved you...I would never, ever let anything like that happen to you." He gently placed his hands on either side of her face, looking directly into her eyes. "Do you understand that?" before he had time to even register what was happening her soft lips were on his. Testing...tasting...It was a soft, small kiss and she pulled way all to quickly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, biting her lip. The fact was she knew that he would save her, that he would sacrifice himself for her in an instant...that was why she loved him and she just wished-

He kissed her back, a longer, harder kiss. "I can't lose you, I need you." He kissed her again.

"I need you too," she whispered, pressing her forehead against his. She did need him, and as shocked as she was that she had just admitted it, it was a relief to be able to finally tell him. "I was...I was really scared today and all I could think about was you," she admitted. "I don't want to do this anymore, the...the fighting, the anger, I want...I want you. I need you, in whatever way you're ready for." Wow, honestly was easy once you got over the first few hurdles.

"I meant what I said before Liv, I just want you to be sure."

"I'm sure, I'm sure..." she closed her eyes as his forehead rested against hers and his hands cupped her cheeks. "Stay with me tonight El?" she whispered, opening her eyes and looking right into his. She needed him, needed him to hold her, to kiss her...to do what they had both been wanting to do for so long.

His heart was thumping so loudly he could swear that she could hear it, this was the one thing he had wanted for years...he didn't expect sex, but just lying with her, holding her in his arms...it was almost more intimate than sex. He nodded and pressed his lips against hers, pulling away as she whimpered slightly.

"Sorry," he mentally kicked himself, she had a busted lip and he was kissing her.

She ignored his apology and pressed her lips against his, softly, tasting his bottom lip with her tongue. He pulled away slowly and got into the bed, pulling her close to him, wrapping his arm around her as she rested her head on his chest.

"El..." she called softly.

"Yeah?"

"Don't let go," she whispered.

He gently pressed his lips against the top of her head. "Never..."


	8. Chapter 8

She'd fallen asleep in his arms hours ago, her head resting in his chest, her arm splayed across his stomach . She'd asked him to spend the night with her, not to leave her and he had complied. When he'd told her to get in to bed and climbed in next to her he'd expected her to turn away from him, to lie on her side and ignore the kisses that they had shared, this was her usual technique, ignore and avoid. When she turned to him and looked at him, cautiously moving towards him his heart skipped a beat, for the first time in their long relationship she was reaching out to him instead of pulling away. He gently pulled her into his arms, holding her in place as she settled her head on his chest.

This was perfection. He'd been watching her sleep for hours, struggling to remember every detail of her perfectly formed face. He'd been thinking about exactly what form their relationship would take, he'd listened to her telling him that she wanted more than what they had before but that could mean anything, they were barely speaking before. Something more could be them talking daily, them calling each other outside of work, spending time together out of work. It could also mean beyond friendship, the thought made his heart skip a beat...could she really want him, the way that he wanted her?

He looked down as she shifted in her sleep for the first time since she'd relaxed into his arms. Her peaceful expression changed to a frown, she clenched her fist, grasping his shirt in between her fingers and an audible whimper escaped her lips.

"No," she barely whispered, twisting our of Elliot's grasp, pushing him away, releasing her grip on his shirt.

"Hey," Elliot whispered, trying not to startle her, just to let her know that she was safe. He sat up slightly. "Liv..."

"No!"she shot up in the bed, eye wide. Her heart was beating double its usual rate, she placed her hand over her chest, struggling to calm herself. She'd been having the greatest dream, she was lying in Elliot's arms, the gentle rise and fall of his chest had lulled her into a beautiful calming haze. She'd never felt so safe, but suddenly it wasn't Elliot anymore. It was May, he was on top of her, holding her down, his hand on her throat blocking off her air supply.

She shook her head, he was locked up, far away from her, she was safe. She felt Elliot's strong hand on her shoulder. Without words she let him envelope her from behind, wrapping his arms around her, holding her closely so that her back was pressed against his toned stomach. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and leant against the headboard, pulling her gently until she was sat in between his legs.

"We shouldn't..." she closed her eyes as he reached for her hands and tangled his fingers with hers.

"We're not doing anything wrong," he whispered. They weren't. The Captain had told him to keep an eye on her. Okay, he didn't tell him to sleep in the same bed as her, to hold and watch her as she slept and he certainly didn't tell him to cuddle her and hold her hands but he had told him to make sure she was okay and he wasn't going to let her go until he knew she was alright...maybe not even then.

She'd never felt so safe and secure, so calm and unsure at the same time. She'd told him she wanted more and he hadn't run away, he hadn't knocked her back like she imagined he would and it frightened the hell out of her. For the first time in a long time they were facing the truth head on. She didn't know what he wanted, maybe he just wanted them to be friends again? She would welcome that with open arms, being able to talk to him again to smile at him and see him smile back...maybe that was all she wanted? Maybe by missing his friendship she confused herself into believing that she...

She mentally shook herself. Even when she was sat in his arms, his hands tangled with hers, she was still trying to run, trying to think of any reason to get away, to decline the love she so obviously felt.

"You okay?" he whispered, rubbing his thumb softly across her hand. She wasn't used to his sensitive side, she'd seen it with victims so many times but very rarely been on the receiving end of it. "Liv?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm okay..." as she spoke Elliot moved from behind her and lay down, pulling him close to her again. She ran her hand along his perfectly formed chest, unable to hide the chill that ran down her spine as her breath caught in her throat.

"You're not freaking out on me?" he whispered. He knew her too well.

"I'm not freaking out, I'm just...we don't do this. We're lying in bed...cuddling." She sat up slightly so that she could see his face. He was so beautiful.

"You don't like it?" How could he not feel weird about this?

"Elliot-"

"Do we have to label it? I know how I feel, you know how you feel?"

"What if I feel differently to how you feel?" she asked, sitting up further.

"Do you want me to go and sleep on the couch?" he asked, praying she wouldn't say yes.

She shook her head.

"What do you want me to do?" he was as confused as she was now, why did she have to complicate things. He thought he knew what she wanted, he thought she wanted him the way that he wanted her but...maybe he was wrong?

She needed him to tell him exactly what he wanted, she promised herself that she would never admit how she felt if she wasn't one hundred percent sure that he felt the same way which she never had been. There had been times when she had wondered but she could never be sure and it would just be too painful, she'd already spent years longing for something she couldn't have. Maybe...maybe she had misunderstood his kindness, his kisses...there was every chance this meant nothing to him...no, not nothing, but not as much as it meant to her and she couldn't stand to have her heart broken after years of that dull ache that would just never go away.

There was a large chance that Elliot was simply attracted to her, she'd felt the sexual tension too many times to mention, maybe he thought he felt more for her than he actually did...maybe it was always inevitable that they would sleep together. Maybe he was telling her he had feelings for her because he thought it was the right thing to do...because he no longer had Kathy and he was lonely. She shook her head. Too many maybe's were reminding her of why she had stayed quiet about her feelings for so long, this could go wrong, this could really hurt.

"Uh..." She shifted, pulling away from his grasp. She watched as his smile faded, she felt like she'd just stolen candy from a child. "I...I think that I should go-"

"Go where?" he asked, trying not to sound upset. Her apartment was still a crime scene, she had nowhere else to go. He struggled not to reach for her as she climbed off of the bed.

"We don't do this Elliot." She shimmied into her jeans, not bothering to take off her hot pants. She quickly grabbed and zipped up her grey hoodie, the grey hoodie she was sure was actually his...That didn't matter she had to leave. What the hell had she been thinking with Elliot? She'd kissed him, more than once, invited him into her bedroom, accepted an invitation into his. She had to get out now before there was no going back.

"I know we don't usually-" he started.

"No, we don't ever...we don't touch...we don't cuddle and we certainly don't kiss okay?" she didn't mean to snap at him, she needed to get away from him. How could she have been so stupid? There were boundaries, specific boundaries that aren't supposed to crossed and she had managed so well for 10 years suddenly everything's changed? No. No, this just wouldn't work.

"Liv, you can't go to your apartment," he clambered off of the bed as she walked out of his bedroom. He was shirtless in only a pair of bottoms. She would always amaze him, her absolute ability to freak herself out in the space of just a few seconds. IN the space of just a few seconds she decided to do what she was best at, run. "Look, if I got this wrong I'm sorry – it's weird I know-" he tried to explain. Maybe that was it, she didn't actually want him...just someone? It seemed almost inevitable that they would end up in each other's arms, after every fight, every hard case he wondered if one day he would just brake and kiss her, take her there and then...Maybe she had never felt it, he thought...when she looked at him sometimes he thought he saw it, but it looked like he was wrong.

She reached for the door, pulling it open, ready to run when she felt his string hand grip her arm.

"Please don't do this...I couldn't take it if you left again," he whispered, moving closer until his chest was pressed against her back. He tried to make himself sound stronger than he actually was, failing miserably. He decided to take a chance and hope to hell it would pay off. "I know you're scared...but I know you feel the same way that I do. And I know I've been...I've been an ass, and I've hurt you and we've done nothing but argue for what seems like forever but I know you, I know you want this as much as I do."

As much as I do. She swallowed the lump in her throat, still unable to face him, she was being a coward. He was baring his soul and she couldn't even look him in the eye. "For...for a few hours you let your guard down in there and it felt right, tell me it didn't?" he paused.

"We don't do this..." she whispered, turning as he pulled her until she was facing him. "We shouldn't..." she stopped as he cupped her cheek, pressing his perfect lips against her for a short, soft kiss that took her breath away. "I can't-" He kissed her again, threading his fingers through her hair, pulling her closer to him. "We can't-" Her arguments sounded so pathetic as this time she leant into the kiss, cutting herself off. She placed her hands on the side of his face as he wrapped his arms around her, pressing her chest against his. She had never, ever been kissed like this, her head was spinning as his tongue began to seek entrance into her mouth. She was overwhelmed, his mouth, his tongue, his hands, his body...it was everything she had yearned for for so long.

He pulled her away from the open door and kicked it shut before pressing her back against the wooden frame. She was so beautiful. He wanted to soak every single bit of her in, to know every curve, every inch of her body, every mark and every scar. There was nothing frantic about their movements, they were stuck in the moment and unwilling to get out of it, this was heaven. Finally letting go, finally reaching out and feeling something in return.

She moaned into his mouth as he unzipped his grey hoodie, the hoodie that looked so amazing on her even though it was his, to reveal the black tank top she had fallen asleep in. As soon as it dropped to the floor her hands her on him again, his neck, the back of his head, his chest. Before she could even think about protesting he wrapped his arms around her tightly and lifted her until she had no choice but to wrap her legs around his waist.

She didn't want to protest, she just wanted him to keep his lips on hers for the rest of their lives. Millions of thoughts ran through her mind but for once she wasn't struggling to push the excuses and reasons why they should be doing anything but this out of her head, they were nowhere to be heard. All she could think of was him, what was about to happen and why the hell she'd waited so long to do it. She was being carried to the bedroom by her partner and she'd never been more sure of anything in her life, no words were needed.

She struggled not to laugh as he walked them into the wooden frame of his bedroom door.

"No giggling," he murmured against her lips. He found his way and safely carried her to the bed before laying her down on the bed she had exited just a few minutes before. He covered her body with his and took a moment to simply look at her. God, she was so beautiful, looking at him with those beautiful brown eyes, her lips perfectly formed even after kissing for what seemed like forever. He ran his finger along her cheek and moved the hair from her face.

His eyes were glazed over with need, with want and she fought the urge to tell him to take her there and then. She ran her hands along the back of his head, his neck and eventually his perfectly formed back as she felt his arousal against her thigh. They stared into each other's eyes, silently speaking to each other. Her heart was beating so hard he must have been able to hear it, to feel it. She couldn't believe it was finally happening, that she was letting it finally happen...

**

His teeth nipped at her neck, his dick twitching as she moaned. He erased the distance between their mouths as he settled over her. There were no longer any barriers between them, clothes a mere pile on the floor and in moments he would be exactly where he had wanted to be for nearly ten years. He'd already slid his hand along the inside of her thigh watching her chest heave as she fought to control her breathing, he'd felt her quiver as his index finger barely grazed her centre, it had taken every ounce of his self control not to come on the spot, she was so incredibly sexy. Did she know? Did she know how sexy she was?

He had already kissed nearly every inch of her body, her beautiful neck, her shoulders, chest and breast. She had amazing breasts, he'd grazed her nipple with his teeth and froze as she gasped and bucked into him, overwhelmed by the sensation. When she first took his cock in her hand he thought he'd died and gone to heaven, after just a few strokes he was ready.

She didn't want foreplay, she'd had ten years of foreplay and she was more than ready. He had magical hands, she'd already decided as he ran his hands along her flat stomach travelling to her centre. After barely grazing her centre she was on the verge of coming there and then.

Words weren't necessary, she simply reached between them and took his more than adequate manhood into her hand.

"Liv..." the low guttural sound nearly pushed her over the edge. He moaned and pressed his lips against hers as she lead him to her entrance, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he made love to her mouth. She could feel the tip of his cock grazing her clit, she stifled her moan with his lips she was going to pass out if he didn't just push inside her there and then. "I...I need you to know..." he whispered, rolling his hips so that his hard cock rubbed her clit again. "You and me...I..."

"I know," she nodded softly, looking into his eyes. She did know, she knew exactly what he was trying to say because she'd tried to vocalise it so many times before even to herself. He pressed his forehead against hers as he slowly entered her, both of them releasing a sigh of utter relief and surprise.

"Oh..." she moaned as he filled her completely, it was the perfect fit, she should have known. He paused, all of him inside of her.

"God," he kissed her, slowly, passionately. He was going to make this last. He pulled out slowly, thrusting back into her at equal pace as she dug her nails into her back. She was so wet, so aroused, so ready to come there and then. She clenched around him, crying out as he quickly pulled out and thrust into her again. She lifted her ass off of the mattress and hooked her leg around his waist, she wanted to feel every inch of him.

"Mmmm..." she hummed into his mouth as they found their perfect pace. He cupped her cheek as she met every thrust, moaning and gasping as they both slowly lost their self control. She knew she was marking him, digging her nails into his shoulder but she didn't care, she had never felt so complete in her life. She'd moaned his name twice, each time he grunted in response and thrust into her with more force.

"God, you're so beautiful." He thrust into her, moving his lips to her neck. "So beautiful," he told her breathlessly.

She clenched around him and tightened her grip on his shoulders as she felt the familiar blur begin to take over her. She bit into his shoulder as she struggled not to cry out, failing miserably. "Oh, God!"

He lost it completely, growling as he thrust into her quickly, pushing her over the edge and allowing her to take him with her. He collapsed on top of her, sweat dripping off of them both. She whimpered as he shifted slightly, about to get off of her for fear of crushing her.

"Stay," she whispered, holding him in place, his penis still inside of her. He kissed her forehead before resting his head in the crook of her neck. Why the hell had they waited so long?

She fell asleep with him ontop of her, still in her feeling more loved than she ever had ever felt in her life and she was never going to forget it.


End file.
